The Behavior Of Others
The other day I had a conversation with someone who had allowed the behavior of another person to ruin their day. When the incident was relayed to me it seem minor, but to them it caused a meltdown in their life. I was surprised by this, but I can look back through my own life and see where I allowed the behavior of others to have a negative impact on the quality of my life. Why is that? Why do we allow those around us to dictate the outcome of our happiness? The answers are beyond my mortal mind, so I will seek guidance and clarity from my Inner Voice.
My questions will be in italics and the answers from my Inner Voice will be in normal print.
Why do we suffer so much because of the behavior of others?
When you are not in a place of true self-love you will seek this love from those around you. If this love is not shown to you, your self-worth plummets, thus causing a meltdown as you describe above. But this is not the only reason. Oftentimes you want validation by others because of your actions, or your behavior towards them. In other words, you expect something in return for your deed. When this something is not expressed, you meltdown and wish that they would change to please you, to justify your deed.
Basically we want others to change to please us.
Yes, this is the case. But it must be realized that nothing that they do will ever please you every moment of your day. It is unrealistic to expect another person to know what you need at this moment in time. In truth if you are expecting another person to please you so that you can feel loved, then you do not know what you need to please yourself at the time. If you did, then you would find your own happiness and self-love and not ask others to do this for you through changing their behavior.
How do we allow this to happen?
There is an expectation that those around you will behave in a way that will satisfy you. You allow their behavior to affect the outcome of your experience through this expectation.
Some would say that they did not allow someone to upset them nor was there an expectation of others to please them. What then?
There is always an expectation of a reward, whether it is a kind word, or a reciprocal action. Only when a person gives, speaks, or acts through their true inner love can they release their need for expectation. People allow their lives to be disrupted by the actions of others because they want others to behave in accordance with their beliefs and not the beliefs of the one that caused them discomfort.
For example someone may think, "I give you this gift, money, or time, and I want you to react towards my gift in a way that pleases me." They are not willing to accept or allow any other behavior other than what they want to experience.
This reminds me of our post titled Giving Without Expectation. But it feels much deeper than just living that way.
When a person has a meltdown as you describe, they are placing their happiness in the hands of others. They have unwillingly placed the responsibility for their self-worth, self-love and their happiness on the reaction to their gift, or deed. Because of this, they are hurt when the other person does not react they way in which they would like them to react.
I have also seen this behavior in people that expect a certain answer, or comment that supports their situation. Is this any different?
Again it is the expectation of a certain type of behavior to boost self-esteem and self-love that causes the meltdown. They express themselves in a way in which they are seeking validation to their predicament, they are not open to any other behavior other than what they are wanting to experience. In a way they set themselves up for a meltdown because they want the results to satisfy their predetermined outcome. If the results are different than their intended outcome, their life falls apart.
How can we change this behavior in ourselves?
Realize that all people are doing the very best that they can at any moment in their lives. Also learn to understand why you react with a meltdown when people do not react the way in which you would like. The meltdown should be a signal that your happiness is in balance with the reaction that you are seeking. If you get the reaction that you desire, you are happy and pleased with yourself for your act of kindness. But if you do not get your intended reaction then the balance is tipped and you experience a meltdown.
Any final advice?
Learn to seek our own approval for any act, thought or word of kindness. It is the deed that truly matters for your happiness, and not the reaction from the recipient.
Copyright Paul Hudon 2019